Visa News Update

Hello Kiddos, I am back. This is becoming somewhat trite now I guess, I mean leaving off for a longish hiatus and appearing here all of a sudden and announcing “I am back”. Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that! Actually he said “I'll be back” in that chilling voice.... Oh boy, those were the halcyon days... Skipping school to watch the The Terminator VHS cassette at a mates home, just a stone's throw from school and scared sh*&less (mostly because we were seriously taught that watching VHS videos as an eternally damnable sin without a hope of redemption in either side of eternity), ah those were the days my friend. Anyways here I am and lets look at some new developments in the visa front.

Development #01
Australians have come in to an agreement with the PNG government regarding boat people. Meaning that if you take the slow boat to Oz, you are hell of a lot more likely to end up with some serious gentlemen of passive disposition – namely the inhabitants of Papua New Guinea. Good on you. In a nutshell, unless you have already seen the sarcasm, for Pete's sake just don't board that boat! 

Development #02
Service quality at Her Majesty's Deputy High Commission at Chennai is falling further. This one is perhaps one of those places where no effort short of heavenly intervention can redeem. On the same side, if you are trying spousal visa, and your sponsor's income is less than £18,000, then prepare for a long wait as there is currently a court case in that connection. The bastards anyways take eternity to process spousal applications and this one makes matters worse (albeit this time its not the Chennai outfit which is at fault). Other visas are now processed in good time and worry not with them.

Development #03
There is now a Skype interview for UK tier 4 student visa applicants and its normally a brief one. Main purpose is to check your English and to see if you actually know what you are going to do there. So have good knowledge of the institution, course title, what the study program is about, and where the money came from etc. they might ask about your future plans and all too. Have your answers ready please. Sometimes there is a longer second Skype interview and that one is a bit grilling, say over 30 minutes.

Development #04
There are alternative methods to bypass UK spousal visa system, but beware when you take that option. This is only better if you are currently in a situation where normal route is not the best option out there.   

Development #05
Italian agricultural worker visas are being issued in good quantities. Please be aware of frauds if you are taking this option. Make sure you know the person involved and there is a guarantee for you money. Also, if your visa is successful, please have the decency to work for your employer for at least a two months.

Development #06
New Zealand is enforcing some laws on immigration advisers – meaning although some people claim to be certified advisers, in reality they are not. Now this is not to say you need somehow find a real accredited adviser for migration guidance, but merely we are saying not to be fooled by bogus certifications. Anyways, both varieties here are sharks and will rip you off, regardless if they are accredited or otherwise. Amen.

OK kids, that’s enough for today I suppose. Have fun and be back next week! 

Oz minister, chick on the telly, & Wonder of Netherworld

These days you could hardly take peek at the telly without the Oz minister ranting “don’t be fooled by the trawler operators…”. Well, the feller has a point; many of those who cross the perilous seas for a better life in Australia are turned away – before they ever set foot upon the sandy shores of Australia. What I do not understand is why some people call this Human Trafficking – a term that denotes an entirely different meaning (such as forcibly transporting people across borders against their will, for the purpose of exploitation). Trawler operators here (and boy, say I this on good authority) certainly do not take anyone against their will, in fact, the passengers themselves are the ones who sometimes (financially or with violence) force operators to do the transport part. I am just saying this, because I am sick of that Oz dummy banging on the telly every (rare) time I take a peek at the idiot box. On the other hand, WTF else does he expect inhabitants of an accursed island nation to do? Wonder of Universe, where there are ports which no ship calls, airports on which birds shit on runways, courts where no justice is seen or dispensed, and to put the cherry on top of it, power plants which produce no electricity. Call that one the maraschino cherry. Now, put yourself in the shoes of the boat people and ask yourselves whether you’d not take the slim chance of prosperity in Oz, despite of the minister? I put my money on most fellows opting out of Fuck Wonder of Asia to take on a sea monster in the South Pacific. I kid you not fellers.  

Talking of going to Australia, one need not (need is an effing modal or whatever, K?) put their life and limb at risk going there because the Australians actually do have a good migration program for those who are interested. So why not pay a visit to their website and see if you are actually in dire need of getting there on a fishing trawler while the Great White is waiting for his supper? www.immi.gov.au

Setting that aside, lets see what else is on the telly, oh f, some biatch in semi naked cloths revealing her ugliness to the known universe is trying desperately to play an instrument. Jeeves in heaven deliver me from this torture… I mean, look here, I hardly peep the idiot box and yet, every rare time I do, it puts me off life itself. Want to know how to play something? Here, take a look. Nothing less than Metallica itself being covered by a fully clad chick – telling me that one need not strip when they actually have something to show…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x71Uo5VG6k

Have fun

Home Office UK - Recruitment vacancies

Sorry for not being here for a while – we were kept busy with a few immigration cases in Europe. A few more, I have a feeling that the EU will reconsider clauses included in their human rights charter. Or perhaps not. A lawyer will always find a soft spot in the armour of law and exploit it to get their clients the best possible outcome, but I fear it does damage the original purpose of the relevant rule in question. Sitting here on the other side of moon bin, it does put some strain on ones moral fibre – whatever that maybe. 

Coming out of those ranting, I thought I should entertain you with the latest handiwork of a UK Visa Bastard at the Chennai outfit. Sorry kids, I can’t help picking on them because they are the ones I deal with mostly, and their abysmal service quality shows no signs of improvement on this side of eternity. 

Here is the Latest News From UK Deputy High Commission in Chennai: 

Whilst your bank X book shows evidence of salary credits, your Z Bank book shows a large recent cash deposit of LKR 100,000 …… 

Strange, isn’t it, a person travelling abroad has put their nest egg into bank account and the visa bastard finds it unbelievable –Even UK citizens with maxed out credit cards put some pennies into their account before going on a vacation. And these be the very people who had gone on with minimum payment option for months before that! Putting those aside, let us look into what exactly “a large cash deposit” means:  ah, turns out to be £510/35p. Oh Christ, that is what the bastard calls a large cash deposit –where the average monthly salary of the applicant is LKR35,000 (£182), a pack of cigarettes cost £2.60p, a loaf of bread is £0.34p, a deposit of that 512 is an unbelievable scale according to the bastard out there. 

Wait, it gets better: 

You have submitted your marriage certificate (XXX) showing that you married your sponsor Mr XX-YY on 2011/XX/XX in Sri Lanka. However I also note from the birth certificate of your child XX-YZZZ that the father was RR-XWWW. You have not submitted any evidence as to what your relationship was to this man, whether you were married or not, and if you were, if you are now divorced…. 

Like hell, when the marriage certificate clearly states in plain English “DIVORCED WIFE OF RR-XWWW”, which explains why child’s birth certificate has that fellow as father, and that the applicant is legally divorced and be able to marry freely. Assuming that she had a fling with that fellow and had a baby, WTF is the visa bastard’s problem with that? Since when was this chastity belt bunch appointed as the moral police of the universe? 

I feel like screaming like the Demtel Man (Tim Shaw?) : “But Wait, there's more! Oh now, I know you want more". And here it is, enjoy:

I also note from the property document you have submitted (number XXX) that you own property along with Mxxx Pxxxxx (alias Mexx Pxxx). You have not explained your relationship to this man, whether you were married or not, and if you were, whether

you are now divorced and….

The man referred to in this ranting is no other than the applicant’s father, whose name is also clearly visible on the applicant’s birth certificate, marriage certificate, and what not. Co-owning a property alongside with ones father seems to be an incestuous affair accordingly to the half brained nitwit bastard at the UK Deputy High Commission in Chennai.

Actually the thing goes on, but for reasons of civility I shall refrain myself from detailing all the gory for your entertainment. And this one is not even a prized gem in my collection! I have just two questions, and I’d pay handsomely to anyone who can offer legit answers:

Question 01:

What is the average IQ of Visa Officers at UK Deputy High Commission in Chennai?

You may chose between Idiot (IQ 0 -25), Imbecile (IQ 26 -50), or Moron (IQ 51 -70)

Question 02:

Which other qualifications (other than being either an Idiot, Imbecile, Moron, or a Simpleton) were considered when these people were hired by Her Majesty’s Home Office? 

Over to you my beloved readers..

Visitng USA? Have some helpful tips...

We haven’t been here for a while, have we? Actually there was little to write – it was all trite and stale stories about VB (visa bastards, not Victoria Bitter!) and I was not finding it amusing to write more stories about them.

This week we will look into some helpful tips on visiting relations in USA – specially those who went there on Green Card / DV Lottery. We have talked about this before, but I think a short update will do no harm.

The invitee / sponsor (Green Card holder / DV Lottery winner) must be a close enough relation – someone like son, daughter, brother, sister, parents, etc. Even close enough in laws can help, but a first cousin twice removed is perhaps a no hoper from the onset. OK?

They must have been in US for at least 3 months before you apply to visit them

A steady job with salary and bank details is required of the sponsoring party (your relation in US)

Showing your own money carries little weight compared to their financial stability in USA

An address, preferably with a spare room is quite helpful – usually we give the apartment address if it has more than one bedroom. If the US Green Card fellows are a largish family, then you are probably in bad straits at the visa process!

Do not give esoteric addresses that are too far away from the sponsor – same address as the host is always helpful

Do not be browbeaten at the visa interview – and if there was some issue with them about over 6 or so years ago – viola, they are not much likely to have your old details!!

Showing ties to Sri Lanka (or whatever your home country is) is more important than showing income – and if you are relying on income strength, then it needs to be reflected on your bank statements, taxation, ad infinitum

Face the interviews with confidence, and don’t be scared off by direct questions. First, they do not have as much info as they pretend to have, secondly, clear straight forward answers help more than prevarications

Give a good enough reason to visit them in USA, a baby’s birthday party is a no hoper, while a holiday visit is a good idea if you are financially and socially stable in your own home country

Last but not the least, honesty probably is the best policy when dealing with US embassy (not something I advice if you are dealing with UK fellows)

I hope this brief guide will become helpful to you when applying for US visit visa to see someone who got there recently. Another thing to consider is (not connected to visa process) when you go there, note that transport may not be as cheap as your might think, neither are the fashionable clothes – so getting around and shopping are not perhaps as good ideas as you might think they are. But food and electronic items are dirt cheap compared to here (beware of 110V voltage!) and if you have an Apple I-phone, its good idea to take it there too. Computers and laptops are cheap if they are used, so are some home appliances and mechanical tool kits. My advice is to go American if you are buying anything like machine stuff. Built to last. Oh, and the visas are 5 years multiple entry. Well that takes some stress off you, doesn’t it.

CREDO: The festival of light that signifies an inextinguishable faith

CREDO: The festival of light that signifies an inextinguishable faith

Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Here on this gloomy day in Colombo, I’d rather wish I wrote something about getting US spousal visa – alas, the End Of The World Is Nigh people got the better of me, so here you are reading their handiwork. Now, this most certainly is a visa matter. Look at it this way. Accordingly to Australian government, the Sri Lanka boat people are coming there in hordes because they find it impossible to live here. Now that this accursed planet is going to blow up or something, we ALL need a visa from here to elsewhere. Yet despite of my knowledge on visas and immigration, I can’t think of a place to go from here. Martians are unlikely to welcome the bigoted small minded Earthlings, the Jovians find us distasteful, can’t go to Mercury as it is damn hot out there (besides Vulcan is not such a nice guy to stick around with anyways), and Venusians are too sexy for us!

As much as the situation of going elsewhere is hopeless, there is one consolation for me so far as no one had rung me up to ask if it's possible to get a consultation on going from here to another planet. If they did, they would not be disappointed as I had just negotiated with the beings at Arcturus Sector 5, who are quite happy to welcome the entire population of Earth, provided we find our own means of transportation. There is one little question that nags my conscience though, someone told me that they are having an acute shortage of edible meats up there… Oh, nevermind, it's deadmeat anyways and what’s so morally wrong in making a buck or two while the sun shines above?    

Making an excursion into ground reality, the matter does not become funny at all. One person narrated a view held by some Christian sect – Satan is very angry with the shape of things (not referring to the female kind, they are in good shape alright, Satan can go to hell if he is unhappy with that shape) and that Satan, in his anger, will hit the world with his hand so the world will break up into pieces. Fortunately for the believers of the sect, those pieces with believers will be left unharmed while those with unbelievers will perish. Good for them, except if at the time of Satan’s blow, let us say that a bus had both believers and unbelievers on it… Or, if it happens that an unbeliever is f*%#ing a believer at the time – I mean unlike in the bus scenario, these two would be a bit difficult to be separated…

Or here is a juicier bit from the local astrologers – the bastards who appear on sycophantic government sucking up local television stations -   “the world maybe destroyed, but Sri Lanka will remain intact..”. Either this stupid country exists not on this planet or people who believe these a-holes have no brains. Assuming that somehow this is possible, the Sri Lankans will have a worse fate than death in stock for them. The country does not even produce a bearing ball, let alone any form of medicine or oil or enough food for them to eat. So the unscathed sole survivors of imminent world destruction will be constantly assailed by severe tooth pains, every form of disease known to man including gonorrhea, will have no transport, no plastic, oh and no food. Have you ever had a severe tooth pain while you are dead hungry with a scratchy feeling on your privates? Let us leave that to the imagination from here onwards, yet I find it a bit difficult to recruit volunteers, even the most intrepid types to inhabit this land after the apocalypse.

What I am going to tell you is that people here are indeed scared out of their wits. There had been three confirmed meteorite falling here in last week (highest figure for recent times – mostly because people are ogling the skies), floods in uncalled for places (including yesterday), fish rains in three confirmed locations including near Ruhunu University, and to top it all, red-rain (most likely some fungal agent) in two locations, and here in Colombo it's cold and gloomy with little visibility of sun throughout the day. No, Mother nature is not helping either. You could hardly walk into a public place without having to overhear a conversation referring to end of the world, and the idiots at mass media are fuelling the fears through their own theories of the outcome. It is surely understandable why we are so worried what’s in stock for us on 21^st December.

Worried or otherwise, I too have a serious concern over this matter, and it's not the fellers at Arcturus Sector with their food problem. No kids, all that matters not. Not a single one of the pretty female variety I accosted on streets and asked “How about some fun before the end of the world babe..?” had responded positively – and that for me is a matter of grave seriousness than the planetary doom.

I hope they’d all regret their decision when the ground below them starts to give the shakes, for I alone have a visa and meal tickets for two at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe….No wonder they call girls silly, huh.

The life @ 42nd Street

Once upon a time, long before the advent of horrifying prospects of impending doom of this small minded, uncivilized planet, in a town named after an engineer, there was a night club called the 42^nd Street. Oh, there was another club there too, but that would not be advisable to go there because the Ice House was full of pre-teen schoolgirls. Well, except in the case of those seeking some bent forms of companionship that is.

I am telling you this because UK visa officers attached to Colombo have a form of perversion that prevents them from considering “other” possibilities. Someone might go to Ice House simply to get away from drunken hefty builder type in white vans, for an example. Alas, a perverted mind sees no alternative possibility bar the one that his perversion forces upon him. Having to deal with UK ECO’s as a part of my life, I get to appreciate the hurdles encountered by people who have a confused perception of reality. Schizophrenia in short.

It is important that you know how wound up these people are if you are seeking to apply for UK or Canada visa from Colombo – or from many other third world countries for that matter. A recent juicy bit from a UK ECO refusal letter reads as follows “and I note that you have not submitted any evidence of your personal and financial circumstances. The documents provided with your application are all in the name of Mr. XYZ, yet you have provided no evidence as to your relationship or why he would offer to fund this trip for you”. Sounds fine, except for the fact that the schizop@ UKHC.colombo had ignored there is £ 7,000+ of cash in her (applicant’s) bank account since about two years ago, and the guy involved in the case is her f$%@ing husband.

Actually there is a piece of evidence that the ECO at UKHC Colombo subtly demands from ladies. But it is a bit technically difficult to provide within the limits of decency, then again in these enlightened days, nothing is beyond being considered possible. How much of wife problems these people have I do not know, neither do I intend to venture to seek out – who knows, it could be a female pervert hiding behind those acronyms!

Switching back to the original discussion, in that town which was named after the engineer, the one which had two night clubs, there is this little weakness amongst the town people, or so the saying goes – at least among the people outside of that town. It says that everyone in the town with two night clubs look a bit the same. Now I am not making this up or anything, but come to think of it, they indeed do look a bit alike. One is left to wonder why. Here having a dozy first day @ 42^nd Street, enjoying the idle flow of life and wondering what it could be like at the other place (the one with little schoolgirls that is), I look at their faces and they are increasingly becoming similar to one another, facewise that is. Will an ECO consider this be a good enough reason to go about a place – to see a place where everyone looks alike? One day I’d like to write that on a visa application, under the reasons for your travel category, and wait to see the reaction. Wound up like rubber-bands, who knows if that would fit in with their altered reality.

Do you know why? Because no amount of evidence that the man funding the trip is a woman’s fu@%ing husband will cut no ice with them, and considering where these perverts are actually coming from (country of origin that is) I wonder what fate would await them little girls at the Ice House.